Friday Humour

All your jokes here - try and keep it relatively clean!
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Ken
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Friday Humour

Post by Ken » 01 Mar 2013, 10:13

Disclaimer - this is in no way related to the secondary school. :roll:

"What do we get from the hen?" asks the teacher.

"Eggs," says Little Susie.

"Good. And what do we get from the sheep?"

"Wool," says Little Susie.

"Good. And what do we get from the cow?"

"Feckin' homework," says Little Johnny
Regards,

Ken.

jayflame
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Re: Friday Humour

Post by jayflame » 30 Oct 2015, 00:16

Little Johnny's new baby brother was screaming up a storm.

He asked his mom, "Where'd we get him?"

His mother replied, "He came from heaven, Johnny."

Johnny says, "WOW! I can see why they threw him out!"

davidp
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Friday Humour

Post by davidp » 30 Oct 2015, 11:50

A father and son cannibal team were out hunting and they see a beautiful girl in the distance the son says
"dad look will we bring her home and eat her" the fathers says "no I have a better idea we bring her home and eat your mother" :lol:

Lori lou
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Re: Friday Humour

Post by Lori lou » 30 Oct 2015, 13:00

Love these posts. Have definitely brightened up my day.

jayflame
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Re: Friday Humour

Post by jayflame » 05 May 2016, 21:15

A bit early, but don't we all wish it were Friday.

Sheamus rushes into his local and props himself up at the bar.
The barman comes over and says "you look a bit flushed there man, what'll ye have"
"I'll have 6 whiskeys and a Guinness chaser" he replies.
A little perplexed the barman starts the Guinness then the whiskies placing each on the bar.

The barman tops off the Guinness and sets it in front of Sheamus who stares at it while it settles.

The barman watches him inquisitively.
Sheamus draws in a breath and downs the whiskies one after the other.
"Steady on there, what's with you" asks the barman.

As Sheamus brings the Guinness to his lips he replies

"A Euro!"

SeanDonabate
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Re: Friday Humour

Post by SeanDonabate » 13 May 2016, 12:12

some good stuff :)

jayflame
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Re: Friday Humour

Post by jayflame » 19 May 2016, 22:10

Dad's windscreen got smashed last night by a couple of youths wearing Spurs tops.

He could have swerved to avoid them but thought he was doing society a favour.

pat mustard
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Re: Friday Humour

Post by pat mustard » 20 May 2016, 11:23

Donald Trump could be next POTUS.

Jabba
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Re: Friday Humour

Post by Jabba » 20 May 2016, 11:43

A Man walked into a Bar

He said OUCH !!

It was an iron bar

jayflame
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Re: Friday Humour

Post by jayflame » 20 May 2016, 22:24

Two bats in a cave, one says to the other,
"I'm starving, I'm off to get a bite" and flutters off.
within 5 minutes he's back with blood dripping from his mouth.
"blimey" says the other bat "that was quick, where did ye go"
"well, I flew across the field and you see that tree over there"
"Yes replies the other bat"
"Weill I didn't"

jayflame
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Re: Friday Humour

Post by jayflame » 22 Sep 2016, 17:34

Getting one in early;

A Garda stopped at a farm in Co Galway and talked to an old farmer. He told the farmer, "I need to inspect your farm for illegally grown drugs." The farmer said, "okay, but don't go into that field over there...", as he pointed out the location. The Garda verbally exploded and said, "look mister, I have the authority of the garda Síochána with me!" Reaching into his rear back pocket, the arrogant garda removed his badge and proudly displayed it to the farmer. "See this badge?! This badge means I can go wherever I want... On any land! No questions asked, no answers given! Do you understand old man?!"
The farmer kindly nodded, apologized, and went about his farm work. Moments later the farmer heard loud screams, he looked up and saw the garda running for his life, being chased by the farmers big Bull Mc Cabe With every step the bull was gaining ground on the garda, and it was likely that he'd sure enough get gored before he reached safety. The officer was clearly terrified. The old farmer threw down his tools, ran as fast as he could to the fence, and yelled at the top of his lungs......
"YOUR BADGE! SHOW HIM YOUR BADGE!"
Ya facking eejit

jayflame
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Re: Friday Humour

Post by jayflame » 07 Oct 2016, 14:35

A Air Stewardess watched in awe as a middle aged man boarded a flight with 6 children, all aged between 3 and 6.
The man seated all the children whilst they remained silent and appeared to be on their best behaviour.
After he'd tended to all their seatbelts and took to his own seat.

After everyone was boarded, the stewardess approached him and said;
"I am so impressed with the behaviour of these children, they are the best behaved I have ever seen.
Are they all yours?"

He looked at her and replied;
"No. I work for a condom manufacturer and these are the customer complaints"

topsyturvey
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Re: Friday Humour

Post by topsyturvey » 07 Oct 2016, 23:30

An indian brave approached the big chief one day and said ' Big Chief...young brave has question...' Big Chief said to young brave...what is your question ?

Young brave said...Big Chief..how did young brave get name ? Big Chief said...Young brave...when young brave is born, big chief takes young brave and opens teepee and if the sun is rising, young brave shall be named 'Sun Gently Rising'...when young brave is born, Big Chief takes young brave and opens door of teepee and if snow is falling, young brave shall be 'Snow Gently Falling'...but tell me Two Dogs F*%$€@g...why are you so interested ?

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Re: Friday Humour

Post by jayflame » 08 Oct 2016, 22:22

Due to continued water supply problems to the Donabate Portrane peninsular, Fingal County Council have abolished water chargers for all residents.

I know it's not Friday
Just through I'd throw that one out there

jayflame
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Re: Friday Humour

Post by jayflame » 27 Jan 2017, 12:41

My boss yelled at me today “It’s the fifth time you’ve been late to work this week! Do you know what that means?!” I said, “Probably that it’s Friday?

pat mustard
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Re: Friday Humour

Post by pat mustard » 27 Jan 2017, 19:53

Tronald Dump is the President of America.

jayflame
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Re: Friday Humour

Post by jayflame » 12 May 2017, 02:58

I gave up my seat to a blind person on the bus.

That is how I lost my job as a bus driver.

jayflame
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Re: Friday Humour

Post by jayflame » 12 May 2017, 03:10

If every day is a gift, I'd like a receipt for Monday.
I want to exchange it for another Friday.

Roarsbaby
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Re: Friday Humour

Post by Roarsbaby » 12 May 2017, 14:14

jayflame wrote:I gave up my seat to a blind person on the bus.

That is how I lost my job as a bus driver.
Brilliant!

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